Covid19

On September 24th, 2020, I took an at-home test.
Two pink lines appeared. I was pregnant.

On January 19th, I took a different at-home test.
Two pink lines appeared. I am officially POSITIVE for Covid-19.

Funny how seeing two sets of pink lines can mean dramatically different things, yet yield a similar range of emotions. As I hung my head in misery and shame and filled out the health department’s online report form for an at-home positive test, I couldn’t help but compare the two…

  • For starters, it wasn’t until AFTER I started filling out the report that they said a photo of the positive Covid test was required. Which meant I had to go dig around in my garbage can because I couldn’t stand the sight of the positive test for longer than the initial read. 18 months after the fact, my positive pregnancy test is still safely tucked away in a bathroom drawer.
  • Obtaining both a Covid test and a pregnancy test felt like a secret mission, lest anyone know what I might suspect. Thank you to Amazon for the pregnancy test, and Scott’s mom for the Binax. ;)
  • There is an indescribable amount of anxiety that is accompanied with the moments leading up to taking both of these tests. Why they put a time frame on how long the test takes to work is irrelevant, since one will stare at said test without so much as blinking.
  • The test reads POSITIVE. Tears will undoubtedly be present at both readings.
  • Who to call first? How should you break the news? Are you keeping it secret and off social media? So many decisions the moment you see those two lines.
  • All of people’s reactions felt oddly similar: “I knew you’d have a baby!!” and “I knew it was only a matter of time.”
  • While most people are excited for a positive pregnancy test, there is an overwhelming amount of stress and shame that comes with a positive Covid test. It’s almost a “dirty” feeling. Like you weren’t clean enough, didn’t wash your hands, didn’t wear your mask, didn’t socially distance. But I did! I swear I did. :(
  • Now comes the walking around as if you’ve been invaded by a body snatcher. There is clearly a foreign entity in your body that is making you feel like absolute CRAP – depleted, exhausted, not yourself.
  • If you have a significant other like mine, you are now waited on hand and foot. An endless stream of tea, foot rubs, and complete control over the remote control follows. Another episode of Lost Kitchen? YES PLEASE.
  • So many calls and texts follow to check in – how are you feeling? Anything I can do? Admittedly, it’s nice to see so many people care. Exhausting to be strapped to the phone, but so grateful to be surrounded by loving friends and family. (Thanks, everyone!!)

And more than anything, those two lines induct you into a certain club. A club of people that are able to understand all that you’re going through, and unless you’ve been there, you just don’t know. Thankful that in both cases, people who have been there and have gone through it have welcomed me into the club, letting me know that I’m not alone and they’re there for anything I need.

Stay safe out there, everyone. xoxo.