I’ve never liked weddings.

There. I said it. 

And for those of you who don’t know my sordid past, I’ve been married. I’ve done the wedding thing. The marriage thing. And sadly, the divorced and bitter thing.

I don’t even recall liking weddings when I planned my own ten years ago. I was barely in my 20s and was attempting to orchestrate that big white wedding that little girls are supposed to have planned their entire life. I was never that little girl – my Barbies usually eloped and I never played dress-up in anything white.

Enter Scott.  He is the epitome of an old-school sap and loves ANYthing to do with ANYone’s wedding. I love that about him, actually, though it took months to admit. He truly believes in the fairy tale and the excitement that accompanies impending nuptials.

As you can imagine, that made for an interesting first few months of being engaged.

When Scott and I re-met, I warned him that I may never want to marry and if that was problematic, perhaps I was not the woman on which to lavish affection. Scott endured, and after two years of proving happily-ever-after in the everyday, it wasn’t hard to say YES when he asked.

However, our wedding plans have been slow to start as we relish in the newly engaged phase.

We’re finally there, now, and we (yes, WE) are eager to talk about all things wedding. If it is possible, Scott’s wedding excitement has rubbed off on this cynic, and I have found myself thinking about how I want to navigate this one.

The truth of the matter is that when you are divorced, it feels like you are the direct descendent of Hester Prynne and have a Scarlet “D” burned onto your chest.  Shame and disappointment become constant companions, and feeling worthy of another shot feels impossible. For whatever reason, eternal marital bliss was not in your cards and therefore you question the ability for them ever to be dealt at all. Scott makes me feel like I’ve been dealt all aces, and so planning to be married to this man fills me with impossible hope.

BUT….

People, ugly creatures that they can be, judge anyone who plans to wed again, and even moreso HOW they plan to do it. It’s expected to remain far from the incredible affair it was the first time, and often those of us who wear the Scarlet “D” are expected to keep it low-key and intimate – almost hush hush. The embarrassment of a second wedding overshadows the excitement of actually finding the person you are meant to marry. So, how do you do it??

You say to hell with the naysayers.

Scott has never been married and I don’t want to rob him of the wedding that HE hoped to have. Fortunately, he favors a more intimate scene, and therefore compliments my disdain for lavish wedding extravaganzas. We are actually on the same page about how we hope to get married, and are FINALLY enjoying the initial conversations.

It’s awkward though – navigating the “did that before, wouldn’t do it again” comments that plague my planning process. I need to work on how to keep this wedding authentic and genuine for US, rather than just not what I did previously.

Scott is a saint, and allows me to talk and plan as I feel ready to. I’m far too lucky, and am fortunate to have found a man who is blind to the Scarlet D and let’s me move at my own pace. For now, we are ready to have the wedding of OUR dreams, no matter how big or small.

Next on the blog? Our wedding budget exposed…

-Al