Hello, friends. I’ve emerged from two weeks of self-imposed silence.

You see, I’ve never been good with compartmentalizing my professional life and my personal life. And perhaps that is why for the first time in a decade, I took the opportunity to step away from the classroom, by choice, to discover what remained of me if not a teacher.

As it turns out, I am indeed two entirely different people.

Last week I accepted a long-term English sub job at my alma mater, which has been surreal (and downright weird). I’m not the person I was in high school, and the act of being here has me confronting some pretty sizable demons. I swore on the day I graduated that I’d never walk into another school, and I scoffed at my Mother who always urged me to, “be a teacher!” 

Ok, Mom. You win.

But what I wasn’t expecting is the soul satisfying moment when I collapse at the end of the day in a fit of exhaustion. Teaching is physically draining, but emotionally and intellectually stimulating. I am aroused by the literature, the ideas, the naivety as well as depth of thought that can emanate from such young minds. Teaching exhilarates me, and I find my work in a classroom to be the best work I’ve done in my life – because simply, it’s my passion.

The only problem is that when I teach, I forget to be Alix. I’m “Ms. T” the English teacher – not the daughter, fiancé, sister, friend. I grade papers and give copious amounts of feedback, read through my professional texts, and get lost for hours online searching for the perfect lesson materials. I overthink each lesson creation, losing sleep at night, and washing my hair twice because I got lost in contemplating about how to deliver it.

I stop taking pictures (which I LOVE) and writing here takes a back burner to writing there.  I fall asleep in the first 5 minutes of a TV show, and my poor family listens to an hour recap upon arriving home each afternoon.

All that to say is that I have to do better. Going through the motions at home isn’t enough for me – I don’t know how to break this habit after 10 years of creating it, but I’d really like to. And perhaps I know that this is such a temporary job that I am sucking the marrow out of each moment. Either way, I’m needing to do a much better job at being Alix.

Advice??

Happy February, friends.